Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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