ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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