I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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