Just cropdusted the office
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
