I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
