my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
