You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this beer tastes like vomit already
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
