just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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