I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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