I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
