Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
