The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Randomize
