Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
