for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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