I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
