Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
