One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
