I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
