the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
