the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
