sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The air taste purple.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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