she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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