My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
