why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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