I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
