I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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