Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
