I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
