You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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