I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
