you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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