I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
