...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
