In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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