So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
