was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
