Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
