I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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