Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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