Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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