Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
