I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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