You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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