Just cropdusted the office
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
