did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
