a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
