we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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