I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
