your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
