He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
