Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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