I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
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I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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