I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
