Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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