At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
